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Choosing a therapist is a big decision.

It can feel vulnerable reaching out to someone you’ve never met and wondering whether they’re the right person to support you- especially in sex and relationship therapy.

Many people assume the consultation is about convincing a therapist to take them on. I don’t see it that way.

A consultation isn’t about persuading someone to become your therapist and it’s not about the therapist selling themselves. It’s about discovering whether a therapeutic relationship should begin.

When we agree to work together, we’re beginning a relationship built on trust, openness and honesty. That relationship has the potential to influence your wellbeing, your relationships and, to some extent, your day-to-day life.

That’s something I take seriously.

Why I don’t make decisions during the consultation

Although consultations are incredibly valuable, they’re only one conversation.

It’s impossible to know everything about a person in 20 or 30 minutes, and I don’t believe either of us should feel pressured to make an immediate decision.

Instead, I take up to 24 hours to reflect before deciding whether I believe I’m the right therapist for you.

What I consider

There isn’t a checklist that determines whether someone is “the right fit”. Instead, I reflect on several different areas.

1. How do I feel in the room?

Do I feel present, curious and able to connect with your experience? What am I noticing emotionally as we talk?

2. How am I showing up?

Am I able to think clearly and be fully present? Do I feel grounded enough to offer the kind of therapy I’d want you to receive?

3. Is this within my area of knowledge and experience?

One of the most ethical things a therapist can do is recognise when another professional may be better placed to help. If I don’t believe I’m the right person, I’ll always be honest about that.

4. What happens when I imagine us working together?

I imagine meeting with you week after week. Do I feel openness, curiosity and confidence that I can support you well? If I notice hesitation, I take time to understand why before making a decision.

5. What is my intuition telling me?

Over time, therapists develop an intuition that’s informed by training, experience and reflection. I don’t make decisions based on instinct alone, but I do believe it’s important to pay attention to what I’m noticing and explore it thoughtfully.

Fit works both ways

Finding the right therapist isn’t just my decision.

It’s yours too.

If I feel we’re a good fit, I’ll send you a short set of post-consultation reflection questions. These give you the opportunity to think about your own experience of the consultation.

Did you feel understood?

Did you feel comfortable?

Can you imagine talking openly with me?

Did you leave feeling hopeful?

These questions matter just as much as the ones I ask myself.

If I don’t think we’re the right fit

Not being the right fit doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you, and it doesn’t mean therapy won’t help.

It simply means I don’t believe I’m the best person to support you.

Whenever possible, I’ll suggest another therapist or service that I believe may be a better match.

My goal isn’t to work with everyone who contacts me.

My goal is to help you find the right support—even if that isn’t with me.

Because I believe that taking the time to find the right fit gives therapy the best possible chance of being meaningful, effective and lasting.

When people hear the word patriarchy, they often think about politics or the workplace or men in general. But patriarchy isn’t just one thing or simply just men. Patriarchy is a social system that has traditionally placed men in positions of greater power and privilege than women, while also prescribing rigid roles and expectations for everyone, regardless of gender.

Derived from the Greek word patriarchēs (meaning “rule of the father”), it denotes a society characterised by male dominance and centred around male interests.It shapes the stories we’re told about love, sex, relationships, and even who we’re allowed to be.

From an early age, many of us absorb messages about what it means to be a “good” partner. Women are often encouraged to be accommodating, emotionally available, and responsible for keeping relationships together. Men are frequently taught to be independent, emotionally restrained, and valued for what they achieve rather than how they feel.

These expectations don’t just affect how we communicate. They shape how we experience intimacy.

Many people arrive in therapy feeling disconnected from themselves without realising they’ve spent years trying to meet expectations that were never truly theirs. They may struggle to set boundaries because they’ve learned that love means self-sacrifice. Others find it difficult to express vulnerability because they’ve been taught that emotions are a sign of weakness. These patterns can affect desire, pleasure, conflict, communication, and emotional connection.

In psychosexual therapy, I often see how these cultural messages influence our sexual relationships. We may believe that desire should look a certain way, that sex should follow a particular script, or that one partner’s pleasure matters more than the other’s. When we carry these beliefs into adulthood, intimacy can begin to feel like performance rather than connection.

For autistic and ADHD people, these pressures can be even more confusing. Many neurodivergent people already feel they’ve spent a lifetime masking or trying to meet expectations that don’t fit who they are. Adding rigid ideas about relationships, gender, and sexuality can create even more shame and self-doubt.

Therapy isn’t about blaming individuals or dismissing traditional relationships. It’s about becoming curious. Which parts of your relationship are genuine choices, and which have been inherited from family, culture, or society? Healthy relationships are formed when roles are chosen, not assumed and it can take time to understand how the patriarchy is impacting your relationship and you as a person.

When we begin to question those expectations, we create space for relationships that feel more equal, more authentic, and more deeply connected. Whether that’s learning to communicate honestly, setting healthier boundaries, exploring your sexuality, or rediscovering desire, meaningful change often starts with recognising that you don’t have to keep living by a script that was written for you.

Regardless of gender patriarchy lives inside us. Our relationships can benefit from examining our roles and making choices that align with our beliefs.

Book a free consultation here or check out my FREE resources 

We often use the words feelings and emotions interchangeably, but understanding the difference can be incredibly helpful in relationships — especially when it comes to neurodivergent communication.

What Are Emotions? (Understanding Emotional Signals)

Emotions are your body’s immediate, automatic response to something. They’re fast, instinctive, and often show up physically — a tight chest, a knot in your stomach, a surge of heat in your face. Emotions like anger, fear, sadness or joy are universal signals.

They’re not right or wrong — they’re information.

What Are Feelings? (How We Interpret Emotions)

Feelings are what we make of those emotions. They’re shaped by our thoughts, past experiences, and interpretations. For example, the emotion might be fear, but the feeling becomes “I feel rejected” or “I feel like you don’t care.”

Why Neurodivergent Communication Can Feel Difficult

This is where relationships can become complicated.

Often, we don’t express the raw emotion. Instead, we communicate the meaning we’ve made of it — and that meaning can come out as criticism, blame, or withdrawal. What might start as sadness or fear can quickly sound like “you never listen” or “you don’t understand me.”

Interoception and Emotional Awareness in Neurodivergent People

For many neurodivergent people, there can be an additional layer here. Emotions may not always be immediately clear or easy to identify, particularly if interoception — the ability to sense what’s happening in the body — is different. You might feel overwhelmed, tense, or “off” without knowing exactly what emotion is underneath it.

Sometimes there is also a delay. You might only realise how you felt about something hours or even days later, once your system has had time to process it. This can make neurodivergent communication feel harder in the moment, and emotions may come out in ways that feel confusing or disproportionate.

What Happens When Emotions Go Unprocessed?

The problem isn’t the emotion itself. It’s what happens when we don’t recognise or process it before expressing it.

When emotions go unprocessed, they tend to come out all at once. This can feel overwhelming for the other person and often leads to disconnection rather than understanding.

Improving Neurodivergent Communication in Relationships

Part of healthy relating is learning to slow this down. To notice what you’re feeling in your body, understand it, and then choose how to communicate it.

For neurodivergent people, this may mean:

• giving yourself more time
• using tools to help identify feelings
• coming back to a conversation once you’ve had space to process

Final Thoughts on Neurodivergent Communication

You don’t need to say everything you feel. But understanding your emotions can help you say what really matters — in a way that brings you closer, rather than pushing you apart.

Therapy can help you better understand your emotions, communicate more clearly, and feel more connected in your relationships. You can book a free consultation to find out more or check out my FREE resources.

One of the most common dynamics I see in intimate relationships — particularly in neurodivergent relationships — isn’t just about what’s being said, but how each person processes their experience. Communication differences in neurodivergent relationships are common (and all relationships btw).

Communication differences in neurodivergent relationships are often misunderstood as disinterest, avoidance, or even lack of care. But more often, they reflect different ways of processing thoughts, emotions, and sensory information.

Different Processing Styles in Neurodivergent Couples

We don’t all process emotions and experiences in the same way.

Some people process externally. They need to talk things through in real time. Speaking helps them organise their thoughts, regulate emotions, and feel connected.

Others process internally. They need time, space, and reduced stimulation to understand what’s happening for them. They may not have immediate access to language, especially when overwhelmed, and being asked to respond quickly can feel intense or even dysregulating.

Communication in neurodivergent relationships, these differences can be more pronounced — particularly where there are differences in ADHD, autism, or sensory processing.

Neither style is wrong. But without understanding, these differences can create ongoing tension.

Why Misunderstandings Happen

When different processing styles meet, couples can quickly misinterpret each other’s behaviour.

One partner may think:

• “Why won’t you talk to me?”
• “Are you shutting down?”
• “Do you even care?”

The other may feel:

• “I need space to think”
• “I’m overwhelmed”
• “I can’t access what I’m feeling yet”

This can lead to a familiar pattern — one partner pursuing connection, the other withdrawing to regulate.

How to Navigate Communication Differences

The goal isn’t to change how you or your partner process.

It’s about recognising your own style, understanding your partner’s, and creating space for both.

In neurodivergent couples, this might mean:

• allowing more time to process before responding
• reducing pressure for immediate communication
• agreeing to revisit conversations at a set time
• being mindful of sensory overwhelm during conflict

When couples begin to understand these differences, something shifts.

Less urgency.
Less misinterpretation.
More space to process and reconnect.

Understanding communication differences in neurodivergent relationships can help you move out of conflict cycles — and towards a way of relating that feels more sustainable, respectful, and connected.

Couples therapy is a great space to learn how to do this.

Book a free consultation or

Check out my resources 

What Healthy Boundaries in Relationships Really Mean

We often talk about healthy boundaries in relationships as something that keeps other people out. But in reality, healthy boundaries in relationships are more layered and complex than that.

You need an outer boundary that protects you from what isn’t okay. But you also need an inner, containing boundary that helps you regulate what you express and how you express it.

This inner boundary is rarely spoken about — and it’s often where relationships begin to struggle.

How Unbridled Self-Expression Damages Connection

One of the most common patterns I see in couples is what can be described as unbridled self-expression. This can look like saying everything as it comes into your head, overexplaining, raising your voice, or using phrases like “you always” and “you never.” In the moment, this can feel relieving, but honesty without containment does not create connection. In fact, it often pushes your partner further away.

For many people, especially those who are neurodivergent or have experienced relational stress or trauma, verbal processing plays a key role in making sense of emotions. When you add emotional regulation difficulties and impulsivity into the mix, it can feel almost impossible to hold things back.

But it is possible.

When you begin to explore what sits underneath those feelings and learn to take a pause, the urgent need to react or “explode” often begins to settle.

This is a relational skill that takes practice (and maybe some therapy).

How to Practise Healthy Boundaries in Relationships

Developing a containing boundary is not about silencing yourself. It’s about becoming more intentional with what you share, how you share it, and when. When you stop unleashing everything in the moment, you create space to actually hear each other — and that’s where connection begins.

You can start practising this by pausing the next time conflict arises and asking yourself:

Is it true?
Is it kind?
Is it necessary?

This small shift helps you build healthy boundaries in relationships that support connection rather than disconnection.

If this feels difficult to do on your own, couples therapy can help you develop these skills in a way that feels supported, structured, and sustainable.

Book A Free Consultation  Too busy? I offer extended single sessions perfect for busy couples

Why AuDHD People Falling in Love Fast Makes Dating Advice Feel So Wrong

Dating advice often doesn’t work for neurodivergent people. “Take it slow,” “play it cool,” or “don’t put all your eggs in one basket” can feel confusing or even shaming when you’re AuDHD. That’s because these rules ignore what’s actually happening in an AuDHD nervous system.

Why AuDHD People Fall in Love Fast

When an AuDHD person meets someone they’re attracted to, the response is often intense and immediate. Neurochemicals surge, focus narrows, and the connection can feel all-consuming. This isn’t a lack of boundaries or emotional immaturity — it’s an interest-driven nervous system responding to novelty, safety, and stimulation. Falling in love fast is often less about impulsivity and more about how attention, dopamine, and attachment work together.

For many neurodivergent people, connection is also deeply sensory and relational. Being understood, mirrored, or met with genuine curiosity can feel profoundly regulating, especially if you’ve spent years masking or feeling “too much.” That sense of resonance can accelerate bonding, making closeness feel natural rather than risky.

What Happens When the Initial Intensity Fades

The difficulty usually isn’t the intensity itself, but what happens when the early rush settles. As novelty fades, sensory overwhelm, fluctuating desire, or nervous system fatigue can appear. At that point, many AuDHD people assume they’ve done something wrong, when in reality their system is asking for regulation, pacing, and safety — not suppression.

Is Falling in Love Fast a Red Flag?

Falling in love fast isn’t a red flag- it’s human. It’s information. It tells us how your nervous system bonds and what conditions help you feel alive and connected. The goal isn’t to dampen intensity, but to build relationships that can hold it sustainably, without shame.

How to Tell If a Relationship Is Sustainable After the Rush

When the rush has faded, what are you left with? This is where curiosity becomes more helpful than judgement. Instead of asking why the intensity has changed, we can start noticing the reality of the connection. 

Do we share values? Do we want similar things from life? Do I feel safe, regulated, and able to be myself around this person? Is this someone I can build a life with, not just feel activated by?

Intensity can open the door, but sustainability is what tells us whether a relationship can truly last.

→ Book a free consultation
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The Relationship Grid, developed by Terry Real, is a powerful way of understanding why we show up in relationships the way we do — especially when things feel stuck, painful, or repetitive.

At its core, the grid looks at two things that shape all relationships: self-esteem and boundaries.

Self-esteem sits on a spectrum. At one end is shame — the belief that something is fundamentally wrong with you. At the other is grandiosity, where a sense of superiority protects against vulnerability. Neither extreme supports healthy connection. Both are ways of staying safe.

Boundaries form the second axis. When boundaries are too porous, we become boundaryless — losing ourselves in others, people-pleasing, or seeking constant reassurance. When boundaries are too rigid, we become walled off — emotionally distant, defended, or controlling. Again, both are protective strategies that once made sense but they serve no purpose in intimate relationships. If you’re adaptive child is running the show, chances are you’re not feeling too happy in your relationships right now.

Where these two axes meet, four common relationship patterns emerge. You might recognise yourself as someone who withdraws and shuts down, over-gives and loses yourself, dominates to stay in control, or hides behind emotional distance. These patterns aren’t character flaws — they are learned responses to earlier relational experiences.

The goal of the grid isn’t perfection. It’s movement towards the centre — a place where self-esteem is stable and boundaries are flexible. From here, relationships feel safer, communication becomes clearer, and intimacy becomes possible without losing yourself.

Understanding the Terry Real Relationship Grid gives language to experiences many people already feel but struggle to explain. And once something is understood, it can be changed.

If your relationships feel hard, this framework can be a powerful first step towards doing things differently.

Want support with this?

If this blog resonated with you, I offer free consultation where we can explore what’s bringing you here and whether working together feels like a good fit.

I also create a range of resources on sexual wellbeing, including both free and paid options, designed to be accessible, shame-aware, and especially supportive for autistic, ADHD, and trauma-affected people.

→ Book a free consultation
→ Explore resources

You’re welcome to take what’s useful and leave the rest.

If you’re considering couples therapy, it can be hard to know what it actually involves or whether it’s the right step for you. Many people arrive with questions rather than certainty. In this article, I’ll explain what couples therapy is, how it can help, and what you might expect from the process.

When couples therapy becomes a consideration

Many couples come to therapy feeling as though it’s a last resort. Often, they arrive in the midst of a crisis, hoping for some kind of change when things already feel fragile or overwhelming.

By this point, resentment may be high, communication may have broken down, and hope can feel hard to access. When conflict has been ongoing for a long time, it can cloud your judgement about the relationship. While rough patches are a normal part of being together, when disconnection lasts too long it can begin to erode intimacy, trust, and emotional safety. This is often when managing things alone no longer feels possible.

What couples therapy actually offers

Couples therapy offers dedicated time and space to slow things down and begin listening to one another again. Being able to truly hear your partner — and feel heard in return — is a difficult skill for many couples, especially when past hurts or long-standing patterns are involved.

Underlying issues, unresolved experiences, or repeated misunderstandings can make calm communication feel almost impossible. Therapy helps create enough safety to begin untangling these patterns rather than getting stuck in the same arguments.

The early stages 

In the initial stages of  therapy, my focus is on helping you stabilise what feels urgent. This often involves managing the immediate crisis and supporting you to communicate in ways that feel safer and more productive.

From there, the work usually moves through several stages:

• Crisis management, where things feel intense or stuck 
• Improving communication, so each person feels heard and understood 
• Developing new skills, to respond rather than react 
• Building empathy, so differences feel less threatening 

This process isn’t about removing conflict altogether, but about changing how you relate to it.

What couples often take away from therapy

Couples often leave therapy with a renewed sense of understanding and empathy for one another. You won’t always communicate perfectly, and disagreements won’t disappear entirely — but you’ll have a clearer sense of how to navigate difficulties when they arise.

Couples therapy can help you recognise patterns sooner, repair ruptures more quickly, and feel more confident in facing challenges together rather than feeling alone within the relationship.

Want support with this?

If this blog resonated with you, I offer free consultation where we can explore what’s bringing you here and whether working together feels like a good fit.

I also create a range of resources on sexual wellbeing, including both free and paid options, designed to be accessible, shame-aware, and especially supportive for autistic, ADHD, and trauma-affected people.

→ Book a free consultation
→ Explore resources

You’re welcome to take what’s useful and leave the rest.

 

Why This Time of Year Hits Neurodivergent Couples Hard

Every year, Christmas seems to arrive earlier. One minute it’s Halloween… the next it’s wall-to-wall Christmas music, flashing lights, and a Black Friday that now lasts an entire month. It’s a lot — for anyone — but especially for neurodivergent nervous systems.

If you’re autistic, ADHD, AuDHD, or highly sensitive, you might already know how much your body picks up on the world around you. Collective energy, pressure, expectation — it all lands deeply. And December is full of it.

Many of my clients tell me that this time of year feels less like festivity and more like survival.

• Social expectations

• Family obligations

• Last-minute spending

• Disrupted routines

• The emotional “weight” of Christmas itself

When your system is overwhelmed, your relationship often feels overwhelmed too.

Why Christmas Strains Relationships

My clients — and my own experience — show the same pattern every year: less capacity leads to less patience, sensory overwhelm creates withdrawal, tight schedules leave no time for connection, and the emotional weight of the season fuels miscommunication. Stress naturally lowers desire and intimacy, and without space to breathe or regulate, couples can slip into distance, shutdown, or repetitive arguments. None of this means there’s anything wrong with you or your relationship — it simply means your nervous system is under pressure..

You’re Not Broken — Your System Is Overloaded

One of the biggest insights my neurodivergent clients take from working with me is:

“I’m not broken — I just work differently. And once I understand that, everything makes more sense.”

December tends to expose the invisible pressures that neurodivergent couples carry all year long. It isn’t about failing at Christmas — it’s about not being designed for this pace, noise, and intensity.

If You’re Feeling the Strain…

This is one of the busiest times of year for couples therapy — but it’s also one of the best moments to reset.

A one-off 90-minute intensive session can give you:

✨ A clear understanding of what’s happening
✨ A map of your relational dynamic
✨ Tools you can use immediately
✨ A calmer nervous system
✨ A plan to carry you into January

Many couples tell me that one session helped them feel back on the same team again — without committing to long-term therapy.

And also?

December is the perfect time to get support before the January rush hits.

Practical ways ND couples can build connection without the standard script based 

Neurodivergent relationships rarely look the way we’re told they “should.” For many ND folks, mainstream scripts clash with sensory needs, energy patterns, and processing styles. Different nervous systems need different structures but what can this look like in practice?

Below are a few ways my own romantic relationship goes off-script—and how we make it work with clarity, consent, and care.

We don’t have children together
Our life isn’t child-free (I am a step-parent but that’s a whole other post!). But from the outset we’ve been clear that we won’t have children together.

Committed, not married 
Not right now—and we’ve been together over eight years. That could change in the future, but our relationship hasn’t followed the meet-and-marry timeline.

Non-monogamous, with agreements
And have been for a long time. How we do non-monogamy shape-shifts as we grow; we keep flexibility and adjust our agreements over time.

Separate meals, shared table
We like different foods and eat at different times. Not always cooking or eating together works for us—especially as I recover from recent burnout. Having control over when and what I eat supports my energy.

Time apart, on purpose
Living with my partner was one of the main things that led me to seek a diagnosis. It can be hard to understand, but being around people all the time—even those I love—drains my battery. I need regular stretches of time on my own to reset my nervous system. Time apart helps us to stay connected.

It takes years (and a lot of introspection) to notice the scripts you’re following. We’ve learned what works for us through trial and error, and we’ll keep iterating for as long as we’re together. None of this makes us less committed; it means we design a relationship that fits our needs instead of defaulting to convention.

Values That Fit Our Brains

Some of these choices align with my neurodivergence. Autonomy is a core value for me: having parts of life that are mine helps me feel regulated, protects my energy, and reduces the “mental load” many couples struggle to share.

This isn’t a prescription. Your values, culture, and nervous systems are different from ours. Consider it an invitation to design a relationship that fits you—traditional, off-beat, or somewhere in between.

Try this together

• What signals commitment to us (beyond rings or paperwork)?
• Where could “separate + transparent” reduce friction?
• What agreements help when jealousy, shutdown, or overwhelm shows up?
• What small ritual would make our version of love feel more ours?

I work exclusively with couples, in focused blocks, to help you map your pattern, practise new skills, and make change stick—whatever shape your relationship takes.

If you want less pressure and more connection and a relationship that works for you. I’d love to help you build a version that fits.

Want support with this?

If this blog resonated with you, I offer free consultation where we can explore what’s bringing you here and whether working together feels like a good fit.

I also create a range of resources on sexual wellbeing, including both free and paid options, designed to be accessible, supportive and inclusive.

→ Book a free consultation
→ Explore resources

You’re welcome to take what’s useful and leave the rest.