Month: January 2026

The Relationship Grid, developed by Terry Real, is a powerful way of understanding why we show up in relationships the way we do — especially when things feel stuck, painful, or repetitive.

At its core, the grid looks at two things that shape all relationships: self-esteem and boundaries.

Self-esteem sits on a spectrum. At one end is shame — the belief that something is fundamentally wrong with you. At the other is grandiosity, where a sense of superiority protects against vulnerability. Neither extreme supports healthy connection. Both are ways of staying safe.

Boundaries form the second axis. When boundaries are too porous, we become boundaryless — losing ourselves in others, people-pleasing, or seeking constant reassurance. When boundaries are too rigid, we become walled off — emotionally distant, defended, or controlling. Again, both are protective strategies that once made sense but they serve no purpose in intimate relationships. If you’re adaptive child is running the show, chances are you’re not feeling too happy in your relationships right now.

Where these two axes meet, four common relationship patterns emerge. You might recognise yourself as someone who withdraws and shuts down, over-gives and loses yourself, dominates to stay in control, or hides behind emotional distance. These patterns aren’t character flaws — they are learned responses to earlier relational experiences.

The goal of the grid isn’t perfection. It’s movement towards the centre — a place where self-esteem is stable and boundaries are flexible. From here, relationships feel safer, communication becomes clearer, and intimacy becomes possible without losing yourself.

Understanding the Terry Real Relationship Grid gives language to experiences many people already feel but struggle to explain. And once something is understood, it can be changed.

If your relationships feel hard, this framework can be a powerful first step towards doing things differently.

Want support with this?

If this blog resonated with you, I offer free consultation where we can explore what’s bringing you here and whether working together feels like a good fit.

I also create a range of resources on sexual wellbeing, including both free and paid options, designed to be accessible, shame-aware, and especially supportive for autistic, ADHD, and trauma-affected people.

→ Book a free consultation
→ Explore resources

You’re welcome to take what’s useful and leave the rest.

If you’re considering couples therapy, it can be hard to know what it actually involves or whether it’s the right step for you. Many people arrive with questions rather than certainty. In this article, I’ll explain what couples therapy is, how it can help, and what you might expect from the process.

When couples therapy becomes a consideration

Many couples come to therapy feeling as though it’s a last resort. Often, they arrive in the midst of a crisis, hoping for some kind of change when things already feel fragile or overwhelming.

By this point, resentment may be high, communication may have broken down, and hope can feel hard to access. When conflict has been ongoing for a long time, it can cloud your judgement about the relationship. While rough patches are a normal part of being together, when disconnection lasts too long it can begin to erode intimacy, trust, and emotional safety. This is often when managing things alone no longer feels possible.

What couples therapy actually offers

Couples therapy offers dedicated time and space to slow things down and begin listening to one another again. Being able to truly hear your partner — and feel heard in return — is a difficult skill for many couples, especially when past hurts or long-standing patterns are involved.

Underlying issues, unresolved experiences, or repeated misunderstandings can make calm communication feel almost impossible. Therapy helps create enough safety to begin untangling these patterns rather than getting stuck in the same arguments.

The early stages 

In the initial stages of  therapy, my focus is on helping you stabilise what feels urgent. This often involves managing the immediate crisis and supporting you to communicate in ways that feel safer and more productive.

From there, the work usually moves through several stages:

• Crisis management, where things feel intense or stuck 
• Improving communication, so each person feels heard and understood 
• Developing new skills, to respond rather than react 
• Building empathy, so differences feel less threatening 

This process isn’t about removing conflict altogether, but about changing how you relate to it.

What couples often take away from therapy

Couples often leave therapy with a renewed sense of understanding and empathy for one another. You won’t always communicate perfectly, and disagreements won’t disappear entirely — but you’ll have a clearer sense of how to navigate difficulties when they arise.

Couples therapy can help you recognise patterns sooner, repair ruptures more quickly, and feel more confident in facing challenges together rather than feeling alone within the relationship.

Want support with this?

If this blog resonated with you, I offer free consultation where we can explore what’s bringing you here and whether working together feels like a good fit.

I also create a range of resources on sexual wellbeing, including both free and paid options, designed to be accessible, shame-aware, and especially supportive for autistic, ADHD, and trauma-affected people.

→ Book a free consultation
→ Explore resources

You’re welcome to take what’s useful and leave the rest.