Neurodivergent Couples Therapy

If one or both of you are autistic, ADHD or AuDHD, a lot of relationship advice can feel as if it was written for somebody else. Be more spontaneous. Talk it through now. Just know what the other person needs. When that advice doesn’t work, it’s easy to decide that you’re the problem, or that the relationship is.

Usually, neither is true. More often, two nervous systems are trying to connect in different ways, without a shared map.

I’m a COSRT-accredited psychosexual and relationship therapist, and I’m autistic and ADHD myself. I work online with couples across the UK where one or both partners are neurodivergent, and with individuals who want to understand how their neurodivergence shows up in sex and relationships. My approach is neurodivergent-affirming. We’re not trying to make anyone more “typical”. We’re working out what actually works for the two of you.

This page brings together the themes that come up most often in my work with neurodivergent couples, with articles I’ve written on each. Take what’s useful and leave the rest.

When you love each other but keep missing each other

Many of the couples I work with care deeply about each other and still end up in the same painful loop. One of you wants to talk it through right now; the other needs time and quiet before the words are even there. One of you feels starved of attention, while the other has spent hours thinking about the relationship and can’t understand why that love isn’t landing.

Neither of you is doing it wrong. You may simply process, communicate and show love in different ways. Misunderstandings between different neurotypes run in both directions, not just one. Once you can see the pattern, it stops being so personal, and you can start to build a shared language.

Sex, desire and sensory needs

Neurodivergence can shape how desire shows up, what touch feels like, how easy it is to stay present during sex and how much energy is left for intimacy at the end of a long day. Sensory needs, overwhelm, masking and a busy mind all play a part. So can shame, especially if you were diagnosed later in life and are looking back at your history with new eyes.

None of this means you’re broken. It means the usual scripts about sex may not fit, and that you get to write ones that do. There’s more on this in my guide to sex, desire and intimacy.

Falling in love, and what comes after

For a lot of autistic and ADHD people, the early days of a relationship are intense in one direction or another. You might fall fast and hard, or find the guesswork of dating exhausting. When will they text back? Are we a couple now? Should I have said that?

And when the first rush settles, it’s common to wonder whether something has gone wrong. Often it hasn’t. Your nervous system may be asking for something different: more safety, more pacing, more clarity.

A relationship that fits you

There isn’t one right way to have a relationship. Some neurodivergent couples need more time apart, separate routines or very clear agreements. Some relationships look conventional from the outside and work in quietly unconventional ways. Some don’t look conventional at all.

What matters is that the shape of your relationship is chosen rather than simply inherited, and that it leaves room for both of your nervous systems.

How I work with neurodivergent couples

Therapy should fit your brain too. Sessions are online, so you can join from a space that already feels comfortable. You’re welcome to keep your camera off, to move around, fidget or doodle, or to have a pet or a weighted blanket with you. I’ll be clear about what we’re doing and why, and we can build in time to process rather than expecting answers on the spot.

My couples work is grounded in Relational Life Therapy, which I’ve trained in with its founder, Terry Real. It’s a direct and warm approach that looks at the patterns that keep you stuck and helps you both take responsibility for changing them. Alongside it, my training in clinical sexology means we can work with the sexual side of your relationship as well as the relational side.

I offer weekly 50-minute sessions: £170 for couples and £120 for individual therapy. You can read more about working with me, or book a free consultation to see whether we’re a good fit.

More on neurodivergence