“If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else?”
And he’s not wrong. But I’ve often found myself questioning the flip side of that statement — the way it gets interpreted as: you must love yourself before you can be loved by someone else. In my experience, both personal and professional, it’s often the other way around. More often than not, we need to be loved before we can love ourselves.
This idea — that we have to fix ourselves before we’re allowed to love or be loved — shows up all the time in therapy. It’s rooted in the myth of radical self-sufficiency. But most therapists know something different:
We get hurt in relationships, and we heal in relationships
The Trouble With “Self-Love”
The concept of self-love can feel… icky. Cringe, even.
It’s often presented as a solo achievement, something you’re supposed to do through journaling, skincare, and inner-child work — all on your own.
But real self-love is deeper than that.
It’s about holding yourself in regard.
Believing you’re inherently worthy of good things — like care, respect, and a relationship that feels safe, steady, and mutual.
Doesn’t that sound great?
But when we don’t believe we’re worthy of that — when we carry shame, low self-worth, or internalised beliefs that we’re “too much” or “not enough” — we often find ourselves in relationships that reflect those wounds. We get overlooked. Undervalued. Treated as less than. And then the story confirms itself: See? I was right about me.
You can have low self-esteem and still see the beauty and value in others. You can be insightful and kind, even as you struggle to extend that same grace to yourself.
Maybe you’ve been through a few painful relationships.
Maybe you’ve started doing some work on yourself. Maybe just that slight shift is enough for you to believe you’re worthy of a relationship. Maybe it’s that tiny glimmer that leads you into the space where you can heal.
But that shift doesn’t come from working harder to love yourself in a vacuum. It comes from being met differently — from seeing yourself reflected in the eyes of someone who values you.
As babies, we build our self-esteem through connection. When our caregivers delight in us, soothe us, and show up consistently, we learn that we are lovable. That we matter. Romantic relationships, in adulthood, can offer a similar kind of healing. They become a space where we get to unlearn old patterns and practice new ones — not because we’re already whole, but because we’re finally held. So maybe the better question is:
“If you’ve never been loved well, how are you supposed to know how to love yourself?”
Let’s stop treating love as a reward for already being healed.
We heal in love.
We learn our worth in the eyes of those who treat us as if we matter.
