The Myth of Spontaneous Sex: Why Desire Changes in Relationships

7th February, 2025

Many people in relationships tell me they want sex to feel natural and spontaneous again—something that just happens. But the truth is, when you really think about it, 100% spontaneous sex is a myth. It only felt that way in the beginning and think of the effort you were putting in back then! Early on, excitement, novelty, and high arousal levels make intimacy feel easy. Over time, as familiarity grows, desire shifts. That doesn’t mean something is wrong—it just means sex requires more conscious effort.

In the early days, you might have lived apart, only seeing each other when you were both at your best. Now, you share a home, overhear each other in the bathroom, and have daily conversations about shopping lists and other really mundane shit. The context of your relationship has changed, and with it, so has your sex life.

Long-term relationships thrive on intentional intimacy. Instead of waiting for desire to magically appear, partners need to nurture it—by staying curious about each other, communicating what they enjoy, and making space for intimacy beyond life admin.

If your sex life feels off, get curious. Ask yourself:

• How emotionally connected do I feel to my partner outside the bedroom at the moment?
• What was our last sexual experience like? Was there pleasure, fun, and mutual enjoyment?
• What’s going on in my life right now? (Stress is a huge desire killer.)

Desire doesn’t exist in isolation; it’s deeply tied to feeling seen, heard, and valued as well as being impacted by biological, psychological and cultural factors i.e Trump + Cost of Living/Anxiety = No desire.  If sex has started to feel like an obligation rather than an experience of connection, it might be time to check in with each other—emotionally as well as physically.

The irony? The more connected you feel, the more likely that spontaneous sex will happen. Long-term sex can be exciting, fulfilling, and full of possibility. Let’s do away with the myth that passion naturally fades—it’s time to rewrite the script.

Sex therapy can help you reconnect and rediscover pleasure in your relationship. Get in touch to learn more.